


“Taste, the feeling of a fever soul”

by Pixielou_x



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Harry's sad, Louis' a bit of a loving jerk, M/M, MIGHT BE TRIGGERING, i use a lot of metaphors, it'll probably confuse the fuck out of you, pinning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-22
Updated: 2013-09-22
Packaged: 2017-12-27 06:41:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,893
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/975655
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pixielou_x/pseuds/Pixielou_x
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>‘ and you wish that he was something simple, but he’s not. He’s an equation you can’t figure out. Then you remember you always fucking hated math. So, you skip him, maybe he’s not your favorite track anymore. </p><p>You’re lying, he is, he always is. ‘</p>
            </blockquote>





	“Taste, the feeling of a fever soul”

**Author's Note:**

> ✰Okay, Here it is. I have been working on this for a while. I hope you enjoy. And I hope this isn't confusing. I probably shouldn't of switched POV's so many times. But, hopefully it all pulled together well.✰ 
> 
> Louis is 18 and Harry is 15. I tried not to make Harry's age any younger than I wanted it, so i though it fit. (Song title taken from The paper kites- a maker of my time.) Thanks for taking time out to read this♥ Disclaimer: I do not own One Direction, this story is obviously purely fictional. ✂
> 
> (ღ˘⌣˘)♥ ℒ♡ⓥℯ ㄚ♡ⓤ
> 
> I proof read and edit all my works, so if there's any grammar/punctuation errors, it's my fault.

_“The way you slam your body into mine reminds me I’m alive, but monsters are always hungry, darling, and they’re only a few steps behind you, finding the flaw, the poor weld, the place where we weren’t stitched up quite right, the place they could almost slip right into through if the skin wasn’t trying to keep them out, to keep them here, on the other side of the theater where the curtain keeps rising. I crawled out the window and ran into the woods. I had to make up all the words myself. The way they taste, the way they sound in the air. I passed through the narrow gate, stumbled in, stumbled around for a while, and stumbled back out. I made this place for you. A place for to love me. If this isn’t a kingdom then I don’t know what is.”_  
 _―[Richard Siken](http://www.goodreads.com/author/show/55349.Richard_Siken), [Crush](http://www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/92779)_

 

 

It's dark and everything smells like forever. Like, maybe this cigarette Louis has between his fingers could burn on for an eternity. Or maybe the lighter he used to light it with could spark a flame that would never go out.

Maybe Harry’s love for Louis could burn out. To never spark a flame again.

If it was only that easy.

You see the thing is, when Harry's around Louis everything feels like night and day. Louis' rare, beautiful, exotic, so many things and Harry can’t stand it. He needs to breath and Louis’ the oxygen he’s craving.

He's cuddled up to him now. Breathing in the smell of nicotine and blackberry shampoo. He’s tucked underneath Louis’ chin. They're laying on a merry go around in the park near Harry's house. It's cold and fall, leaves painting the soiled ground. Because in Cheshire it can never stop raining.

Stars are scattered across the nights sky. And Louis and Harry are swimming in each others minds. All hooked and caught like a fisherman finding a good catch in the mystery that they call a sea. Harry's watching the way Louis smokes the cigarette. The way his cheeks hollow out and his melted raspberry lips cover over it. And the way he even blows the smoke out is breathtaking. Harry even watches as the smoke curls and floats up into the air. Then it disappears till Louis takes another puff and then it repeats on a loop.

It's silent, but it's the kind of silence that could take over the world. Harry likes to imagine the whole human race not being able to talk. Finding other ways of communicating, like body language or hand written letters. Maybe the world wouldn't be such and angry place. Sometimes words are a burden.

And sometimes Harry thinks Louis could love him.

“How many stars do you think are in the sky, Lou?” Harry speaks slow, every word dragging out of his tongue and mouth. That's what it feels like to be around Louis. Like, every word is your last.

“Tons, maybe one day me and you could go into space and capture some stars and put them in a jar” Harry really want's to finish Louis' sentence with _'and you could use them as a light or a way of finding things and you'll know I'll always be there with you'._

He also wants to laugh, because the boy he's in love with is so silly. But he doesn't, every word and syllable is stuck in his throat and every breath comes out as an answer.

“You're strange, are you sure that’s a cigarette you're smoking?” He's joking, it's a bad joke, but maybe he thinks Louis will laugh and that laugh could brighten the nights sky, so it's not too dark.

Louis does laugh and Harry swears it gets brighter. Maybe he's the one smoking.

“Nah curly, it's Tuesday. I only smoke that stuff on weekends. You know, 'cause school and shit” That’s true and then it reminds him of school tomorrow. He feels light right now, and the wind could probably blow right now and he could float away. Away from Louis and every problem he has in life.

But Louis is so lovely and thinking about being away from him hurts. So, he will brush every problem away and keep it hidden in a lock box. Harry thinks he'll bring it out in ten years when life's gone on.

Louis' cheeks are red like cherry’s and Harry really wants to kiss him. So, he says,

“Lou, do you think you could love me?” Louis sighs at that and takes another puff of his cigarette and throws it over his feet, to hit the soiled ground. He turns over on his side and faces Harry. Looking in those frozen green eyes. Maybe he could love him, but love is weird and it complicates things. Especially with curly haired boys who are at the age of fifteen.

Louis takes a fallen curl in front of Harry's face and curls it around his finger and tucks it back into his beanie. He's beautiful, like Eros the Greek god of love. He thinks how Eros is played to look like a cherub. Harry looks like that, frosted cheeks, a pudgy stomach and a heart of gold.

“Maybe love” he answers so simply, but the words hit Harry like a bus and it feels like his heart dropped to his stomach. But it's all familiar, because Harry asks this question every time him and Louis are alone together. Like, maybe Louis will change his mind. He doesn't.

Because ‘Maybe’ in Louis words are ‘Not a chance in hell’.

It hurts every time, but Harry sucks it up and Louis usually feels bad about it. So, he says sorry in messy, rushed blow-jobs and hand-jobs. Not using words, just mere actions of lust.

Louis moves his hand onto Harry's face and caresses his rosy cheeks. Freckles are dusted across his nose and cheeks, like stardust. He kisses Harry's nose and cheeks. Leaves his lips for last.

Harry taste so sweet and innocent. Like, berries and fairytales. He loves him so much, but not the way Harry needs him to. He needs someone who you love him for eternity and that’s not afraid of falling. Louis can’t be that, he can’t be Harry’s Superman.

Louis loves the way the Harry looks at him. Like, he's the moon and the stars that light up the nights sky.

“I wish you would stop staring at me, like I'm the best thing in the world” Harry gives him a sad smile and pecks him on the cheek. He's so lovely.

“Can’t help it” Louis is Harry's favorite song. He'll play him on repeat till he skips and scratches. Loving Louis is like taking an Ice bath, so cold and painful.

Only the feeling of, _I wish I was what you wanted_. Harry feels a lot like that these days.

He wants to say, ‘I stare at you because you are forever the loveliest sight. More beautiful than Beethoven's fifth symphony and da vinci's Mona Lisa. And you're brighter than the stars that settle in the nights sky’ but some things are better left unsaid on the back of your tongue, so you can swallow it down like it’s your favorite choice of liquor. That’s how Louis was, he was liquor. Maybe vodka. The way it burns, slipping down your throat. Splashing, and hitting all the right places, _like Louis._

 

The way Louis burned Harry when he pushed bruises into his skin, from fucking too hard.

It’s been awhile since the merry go around has stopped. The whole world at still. Harry knows Louis will find someone better than him. Someone who isn’t so fucked up.. Someone who can be his rock and lover till midnight.

“It hurts to love you” Harry says, it’s so simple. Five words. He’d rather say those three and save the air to breathe later, because Harry knows he’ll need it eventually. Like, if he sees Louis with someone else. He’ll be searching for that wasted breath on those five words. But he knows it’s gone, and it’s in the air, the wind took it. Put it away for safekeeping. _Save some for now, take some for later._

“I’m sorry” it’s not so simple at all, really. Two words and Harry’s heart is thumping to the beat of silent music. It’s just pointless now. Maybe it will be better to go to a club and find a bloke. So, he can lick the rum off Harry’s tongue and replace the bruises on his hips.

It’s not really simple.

+

Harry lies in bed that night, thinking of the curve of Louis’ body. It was easy to picture, especially when Louis was naked and pressed to his side. He knew they fit perfectly together, hell Louis even knows. He couldn’t deny that, and Harry won’t let him.

They spend nights like these, sneaking into each other's bedrooms. Getting off on the thrill of being caught. Louis’ hands were so warm and hot, they pressed stars into Harry’s skin. He kissed hearts onto his mouth too. Harry’s tipsy, drunk off Louis and his hands. He wished Louis would use his hands to put him in peace. He does, _more than one way_.

Harry never wants to stop. He wants to see the rise of the sun and how it reflects on Louis’ golden skin. He wants to spend mornings tracing the shape of Louis’ face. He just wants his _love_.

_Doesn’t he know he already has it?_

It’s slow this time, slower than watching paint dry. The way Louis is pressed up on top him, all sweaty and flushed. It’s not usually like this. Most of the time, it’s rushed and hurried. Harry thinks it’s because Louis tries not to get closed to people. It feels a whole lot like love right now.

Louis’ thrusts are clean and so soft and caring. He has Harry’s leg in his hand and he’s’ thrusting deep inside of him. Making sure he hits the spot that will have Harry break into a million pieces. It feels a little wrong, Harry’s fifteen, so young and naive. Harry’s stupidly in love with a Heart breaker. Somehow it makes it worse. Louis knows what he’s doing, he’s messing with a gentle soul. He’s breaking him into halves. Throwing stones at glass windows.

Louis feels bad, really, really bad. But he’s too selfish to let go. To let this kid find love in proper places. Like the sea or book shops, and coffee shops. He can’t cut him off, he can’t cut the tie they share. So, as he thrusts into this fragile fifteen year old boy, he does it with precise and love.

Showing him the stars in the ocean and the flowers in the nights sky.

“I love you so much” Harry chokes out, it was forced and tasted sour. Tears are brimming his eyes and it’s suffocating. It hurts so fucking much, stupid, stupid Louis.

Louis is cradling him now, holding him tight and kissing his face. Whispering stupid sweet things and Harry can’t control his emotions. Louis’ thrusts get faster, but somehow they still maintain the same affection as before. It burns a little, like hot soup on the tongue. But it feels like cotton candy, and a bit like heaven.

Harry’s leaning forward and wrapping his arms around Louis’ neck and pressing his face into his neck. Louis’ thrusts became faster. Harry’s biting down onto his shoulders. The tears are getting worse, “you hurt me too much”, he says. It’s true, it truly is.

Louis’ still pounding into him, so deep. Digging a hole into Harry and never filling it. He’s so empty. Harry cries become desperate and mad. He’s clawing at Louis’ back and biting down so hard, enough to draw blood. A mix of emotion and pleasure.

_Why can’t he fucking fill me?_

Louis slows down a bit, untangling Harry’s arms from his own neck and bringing them to lay flat on the bed. He looks down at Harry’s red rim eyes and tears are forming over and over. His thumb moves down to wipe them away. Kisses him sweetly on the nose, and Harry's eyes fluttering shut.

“Are you hurt?” His voice is slow and hoarse. But somehow it’s a melody to Harry’s ears.

“You just take, take, and take until there’s nothing left of me”. It slips out, but it’s not replaced with anything. So, many unwanted things are filling this small room. It’s tight and uncomfortable, it’s confusing and sad.

“If you want me to stop than say something”, Harry doesn’t know what to say, someone cut his tongue off. So, he cradles the back of Louis’ neck and brings him into a kiss. Harry thrusts up into Louis, and pulling away from the kiss. Looking into his eyes, bearing and so nice.

“mm-ove,” Louis can’t look away, captivated and hooked. Drugged up on this boy, all of him. Shooting him up into his veins, only leaving his system when he’s not there.

_God he loves him so much, to scared to admit._

Louis slowly thrusts, slow and dragged out; Lighting and burnt. Harry’s making noises and Louis can’t look away, even when Harry closes his eyes and bites his lips. But he’s looking back and and resting their foreheads together.

“uh, Lou faster” and he’s pulling out and thrusting forward again, harder than before. It’s all too much. Everything feels like a box. Trapped and suffocated, except Harry’s here and he’s so lovely. So, so sweet and darling and somehow innocent. He deserves so much better.

Harry keeps moaning, he bites his fist to keep from screaming. Only realizing they aren’t the only one’s in the house. It’s nearing four O'clock in the morning and all he cares about is how Louis is pressed up inside of him. It takes away from the initial pain, such as heartbreak and heartbreakers.

But he’s sweaty and his curls are plastered to his forehead and he knows he looks absolutely fucked. Louis’ there and he looks like a soft petal.

“You’re beautiful” those words don’t taste so strange on Louis’ lips. But he means them because Harry is a flower. He’s a glowing star. Too bright for this dull world. But Harry’s kissing the words from Louis’ lips now. Bruising them and beating them down into a powder. Then swallowing that powder. I guess it wasn’t supposed to feel like home.

When Louis comes, he sees white, he sees shapes, and he sees Harry.

+

Harry wakes up to metal clinking and the bed dipping. The sky is washed blue and the sun is creeping it’s way through Harry’s old curtains. He turns over and Louis’ back is turned to face away from him. Harry can see the moon shaped crescent marks on Louis’ shoulder blades and it look like it hurts. Last night was only a shifting memory, feeling like tunnels and white.

“Leaving?” he breathes out and sits up to move over to Louis and kisses his shoulder to soothe the angry red marks. He’s all soft, like Harry’s favorite blanket. Hair messed up like feathers, poking out of a pillow.

“Yeah, I got to get to school earlier for football practice”, Louis laces his shoes up and relaxes into Harry’s touch.

He dances his nimble fingers across Louis’ back, tickling slightly. Louis closes his eyes, to let the feeling spread thru his body. Numbing him like novocaine.

 The kisses Harry’s leaving on Louis’ shoulder burns. It burns so good.

‘ _Burns the way alcohol goes down your throat. When you touches something too hot, and when he touches him._

_When his hands are roaming your body, when his tongue is deep down your throat you can’t feel anything. When he kisses you so hard that you forget your own name, but when he’s so deep inside of you; and all you can say is his name._

_All you can do is remember his name. Like, it was meant to slip off your tongue. Saying it like a prayer. Butter melting in a pan. Leaving out ice and it too melting._

_A liquid state of hypocrisy._

_How is that possible? A name you’ve had for fifteen years, and a name you’ve only known for a year feels like home on your tongue and the one you’ve had since birth feels like a riddle. But he feels like safety. ‘_

_He feels like a rainbow after a long day of rain, like a band aid healing wounds. ‘_

“Haz, I gotta go” Harry kisses harder, biting. Taking a piece of Louis with him, because the thought of being away from him stings. Tiny needles pressing into skin, and hands numb and soft. Not soft like Louis, _not Louis at all._

So, he stops.

Louis leaves, bag slung over his shoulders and his hand is doing something. Harry see’s it and he think Louis’ saying bye, he is. For now.

+

The rooms cold and bright, too bright. Always to fucking bright. School is filled with a bunch of faces and Harry can’t even put those voices to faces, can’t even bother to say anything back to the figure that is talking into his ear.

Whispering thoughts and opinions, _his opinions._

It feels wrong. Harry thinks back to this morning, the morning Louis left his bed early. Too early, not even the birds were awake. The morning he put that pill on his tongue and his problems were splashed with forgiveness. Only stopping for a short while.

Harry sways in and out of the brightly lit classroom. One minute he’s with bodies and the next he’s with Louis.

_Louis. Louis. Louis. Louis._

The same Louis who always warns him of what he puts in his mouth. Always asks him ‘what pill did you take this time?’ ‘Harry you have to quit’. The same Louis, with the long eyelashes and the bright blue eyes. With the dirty worn out vans.

The same old stupid Louis who warns Harry about the stupid little pill he swallows nearly everyday.

‘ _Pill a day keeps your problems away’._ That’s only half true.

It’s only thirty minutes into class till Harry’s asking to leave to use the toilets. He puts one foot in front of the other and walks down a dim lit hallway, nothing like the classrooms. Nothing like his room, but thats dark and school is an misconception.

He’s in the toilet and the stalls locked. There’s a light in the center, it’s flickering. There’s dirt on the floor. And there’s another pretty pill in Harry’s hand.

He tosses it from hand to hand, thinking of ways to get it into him. So, he places it on his tongue and swallows it down. Feeling the high, but that’s just an misconception too.

Harry sits there and sulks. Sits there and wonders how he’s in love with an asshole and taking pills in school bathrooms.

‘ _So, what if he doesn’t love you? you have pills kid. You have the pills and you have alcohol. You could take over the fucking world._

_Lies, lies, lies, lies. Please stop lying. ‘_

It replays and then it breaks. _Just shut up._

Louis’ there, he’s with Harry, in the stall. “Come on Harry spit it out you idiot”. Louis’ shaking Harry and he gots a finger down his throat.

The next minute Harry’s throwing up the pretty pill, and he feels sad. Money’s going to waste and feelings/thoughts are rising into the air. Damn Louis, Why care about a fifteen year old boy with more problems than none?

Harry’s crying and kicking. He’s in Louis’ arms and he’s cooing pretty things into Harry’s ear.

_Probably lies._

No. No. No. Please stop saying that.

“Why? Why? Why? LOUIS. I needed that pill” and he’s still high, but nothing can bring back that pill. Not even the greatest gods and the wisest men.

There’s tears that fall down in a rush and one that floats down into Harry’s mouth and he absorbs it. There’s tears that fall down onto Louis, splashing his tan skin. His cries are echoing off walls, bouncing off and swirling in the air. Harry is falling for Louis even more.

“I love you louis” he whispers and Harry knows Louis won’t say it back. He knows it more than he knows multiplication or the plot line for Romeo & Juliet.

“I love you too” and it’s so small and soft. Barely a whisper, and Harry know he wasn’t supposed to hear it.

_And He fucking means it._

Louis kisses Harry’s cheek and wipes the tears off his face. Harry looks up and Louis’ eyes are rimmed with red and that really hurts. His heart is breaking into halves. Just watching the one you love more than life crying because you’re a fool. Some silly kid with a shit ton of problems. Some kid who takes pills than rather deal with his problems.

Harry leans up and presses his lips to Louis’. Maybe he can take away the pain, replace the pills with Louis.

Louis’ lips are candy and bliss, sticky sweetness. He can feel how this kiss means more than heated make out sessions at the park or behind the bleachers. Harry can feel the planets align in this kiss. He can feel flowers blooming in the dead of October. The leaves changing green like it’s spring. Second, chances and hopeless dreamers.

He wants Louis tattooed on him, he leaves so many imprints. Why not make them permanent? But Louis will always be permenant, he’s Louis and Harry loves him.

Stuck with the idea that love will fix brokenness. It could, Louis could fix him. Re write Harry into something new and better. Fold him into pieces and then keep folding till he fits in a pocket. Putting him away for safe keepings.

Harry mentally writes the verse again.

‘ _Maybe he wants to hurt you, but that wouldn’t make any sense. Isn’t he trying to fix you after all? He thinks of you as a doll. Pretty and set up on shelf, except you’re broken. He tries to glue you together, but your broken pieces are too tiny to fix. Not even his small and nimble fingers can put you into the right places._

_He just wants to study you, analyze every inch of your body. Till he can run his fingers over it like braille, and remember that there’s a freckle there._

_He wants to patch you up in different colors. Stich you into shapes and patterns. He makes you into tiny pocket stars and your boy carries them everywhere. Little pieces of you with him._

_Yes, your boy wants to fix you. But maybe it’s too late. ‘_

+

It’s been two days and Harry’s laying in bed, with Louis wrapped around him like a blanket. He’s smoked threw two packs of fags, because Louis is watching his every move and that means no _pretty pills_. Louis Kisses him when he’s craving the taste of guilt and want on his tongue. Iit burns holes threw his skin. Louis Fucks him so hard, that he remembers he doesn’t need them; he needs Louis.

Harry kisses Louis’ neck and studies the lines and bruises there. Louis’ reading some magazine and Harry’s craving his attention like pills. So, he kisses harder and digs his fingernails into Louis’ thighs and lets on small whimpers. He should probably stop, but things are shifting and his body is wanting.

Harry feels like the moon, changing, changing. Different cycles, he’s forming into a hole; if you want cliche, you could say a black hole.

If he wants Louis, he might say,

‘ _come here and turn me into your finest works and press letters into my skin. Forget me and them call and tell me you love me. I know you don’t, but thoughts are rare. Like diamonds. You know, you’re a gem, you’re the rarest mineral._

_Go break my heart and then steal it. Go be the powder I inhale. Go be the wine I swallow. Go be you, don't be the ‘No’ I say late at night, when my thoughts are buried so far under that, no substance I could possibly take will resurface them._

_Please don't be that ‘_

They’re so close and Harry can feel the beat of Louis’ heart against his shoulder. He wonders if Louis can feel his. If Louis feels Harry’s heart beat ten times faster when he’s around him.

A few beats and moments pass and Louis brings down the magazine. Harry’s looking up to meet his eyes. So, wide and broken, Louis frowns and kisses Harry’s forehead.

“I can't fix you Harry” his voice is like honey for sore throats. Harry doesn’t need medicine, he needs Louis.

“I know,” Louis hums and presses fingertips to Harry’s face and outlines his nose. The light shifts and reflects off Harry’s face.

“Wanna tell me why you take pills?” Harry wants to say ‘you’, but things are altering and it seems like a giant dream. Nothing feels real anymore.

“No Louis, I don’t” Louis takes Harry’s hand in his and laces their fingers together. This is what Harry imagines on nights where Louis has to stay home because of football practice or is too tired to move. Imagines them walking down the street, hand in hand. Imagining going to the same UNI and moving into a flat together. Having kids and rocking into old wooden rocking chairs talking about this very moment right now.

The moment when it seems like life sucks so bad, that thinking about the next day gives you stomach pains.

Louis helps, by giving sweet kisses that could rot teeth.

“Wanna go to a party friday night. It’s after my game?” and the answer is always yes. Louis in his too tight of party pants, alcohol that if you drink enough of you can forget what year it is, and dealers with pretty pills. Harry nods as he plans out the high and he maps out Louis’ body. When it’s going to pin his to the bed later that night. Drunk fucks are the best.

“Only one rule tho” and Harry feels lumps forming and he’s about to throw up. He knows he can’t say no. It’s Louis for god sakes. Louis with the to blue eyes, sun kissed skin, and an arse that puts JLo to shame.

“No pills love. Promise me that. I worry about you too much and I’d die if anything happened to you.” Harry skips the words and nods leisurely. Louis wraps an arm around Harry’s waist and moves him closer, bringing his lips to Harry’s ear.

“I’ll make a deal with you.” and Harry wants to say, ‘no, you’re making a deal with the devil’. Louis’ lips are sticky and wet on Harry’s ear. He swallows and Harry’s hums. So, many bloody sounds.

“No pills tonight and If you listen I’ll fuck you anytime you ask me and If you don’t listen. No fucks for a week straight. Got it?” Harry groans and moves out of Louis’ arms and face plants into the soft sheets. Smells like that very word and sweet, sweet evil Louis.

If it wasn’t possible already, Louis has four strings, two of them attached to Harry’s body and the others to his heart. One pull he’s soft and pallant in Louis’ arms, two pulls and he’s in fucking wonderland; three pulls and he’s about as live as he will ever be, and four pulls Louis has his heart and he’s gone. Soft touch of the lips to his hips, he’s paralysed.

Your fire went out babe.

‘ _thump. thump. thump. You hear that? That’s the sound my heart makes when you’re talking to me. When you give me the time and patience I so desperately need._

_When you don’t see me as a broken glass that needs to be fixed. But, I think at one time you thought you could fix me. I maybe laughed in your face. We all knew it._

_Oh, but baby you could took me to the highest peak and I’ trusted you. You didn’t push me off, you cuddled me and gave me peppermint kisses and i sucked the flavour right off your tongue._

_You hushed me with kindness and I repaid you with brokenness_

_So, sorry, sweet baby. ‘_

+

He’s watching him move down the field, so fast and precise with his movements. It takes Harry and crushes him into stardust. The airs thick, cold, dewy and filled with so much energy, that it’s hard to breathe. The number ‘ _17_ ’jersey is clinged to Louis’ sweaty and tan body.. He’s kicking the ball and making goals; he’s running down the field and Harry’s eyes are dazed.

So, easy to get lost in this world, but Louis’ Harry’s compass. He’s a lantern and when it’s dark Harry will find his way.

Louis scores and the crowd goes wild. Parents screaming pride and confetti spitting everywhere.

Harry runs down on the field, he’s running so fast. But...He’s stopping when he sees a blonde haired girl perched in Louis’ arms and he’s kissing her like she’s the only star in his sky. Harry feels sick, and he definitely can’t breathe now. There’s needles in his veins and there pumping him with anesthetics. His knees go weak and his feet are picking up and running off the field.

‘ _and you wish that he was something simple, but he’s not. He’s an equation you can’t figure out. Then you remember you always fucking hated math. So, you skip him, maybe he’s not your favorite track anymore._

_You’re lying, he is, he always is. ‘_

With every step Harry’s taking there’s a voice, it’s familiar. But then he focuses and it’s Louis’ voice and then Louis’ stopping him and pulling his arm.

“Don’t you fucking touch me” Harry spitz venomously, and he’s grabbing Louis’ hand and throwing it off his. There’s tears starting to form at Harry’s eyes and Louis’ wearing a pained face.

He looks so fucking good, and even after all this Harry wants Louis to take him home and fuck his shitty attempts of apologies into him.

“Don’t be upset love” and Louis’ walks forward and cradles Harry’s faces, wiping the tears away with his thumb. He goes in for a kiss, but Harry moves his head and it lands on his cheek instead.

“can-, I can’t do this anymore Lou” and Harry’s backing away, still facing Louis.

Louis’ face is going soft; he’s screaming inside, he’s ripping and breaking.Louis loves Harry, and there isn’t enough metaphors in the world to explain how much. And his mouth is incapable of saying the right words. Fright has him coddled in a blanket and he can’t get out.

“I can’t be your test dummy, I fucking can’t be there and be in love with you. Lou, I fucking love you so much, you know that. Why do you string me along? I can’t be there and watch you be with other people. I can’t, it’s breaking me. _I’m so fucked._ ” and the last words come out as whisper, a broken whisper.

“Yo-, you aren’t my test dummy Haz. Everything we’ve done has always meant something to me. just please” and Louis knows it’s a half ass answer, he knows there’s more trying to spill at the end of his tongue. And god does it hurts so fucking much.

“i can’t Loui-” and his voice is breaking like thin glass. But Louis’ there he’s holding Harry’s face and looking him deep in the eyes. His eyes tell a marvelous story, but even Harry can see there’s something not right. There’s a break in the page, and Louis won’t complete it. It’s all Harry can see, and it’s all it takes.

So, Louis does what he knows best. He kisses Harry against his car, and it’s slow, sweet, but there’s always something missing. It’s like a missing puzzle piece, and the pen you always lose at school.

Louis kisses Harry’s mouth more, he licks into the deep heat, and he tongues over Harry’s sweet part. The part he knows that will have Harry taking back his stupid words and begging to be bedded. Louis pulls away to breathe a loud breath and to look at Harry; flushed and sad looking.

“Come back to mine” He says and bites Harry’s lip and squeezes his hip. Louis Grinding their crotches together in the slightest movements.

“Okay”

+

There’s never going to be an escape, Louis’ the fisherman and he pulling Harry by the neck. He’s neglecting him of the things he needs, and all Harry can do is go. He goes wherever Louis goes, he does whatever Louis tells him to do. Harry’s caught in a maze and he needs to get the fuck out.

‘ _I thought he was your compass? Do you like the way he pulls your string, darling? Do you like the way your neck flushes when his breath is too hot to handle._

_He’s a dragon and you're the pretty princess, he’ll save you._

_But will he?_

_You need to go home, you need to find home. I think you’re lost, and he’s not your boy_

_you lost this round ‘_

+

That night is harder for Harry. Louis’ like a burning question in the back of his mind. He’s all the elements of Earth. _Water, fire, air._

Everything feels wrong, but it burns too.

So, Louis kisses down Harry’s neck, he leaves little bite marks. He’s not drunk, but this might as well feel like it. Harry feels hot. He feels like throwing up the bad taste in his mouth, he wishes he could throw up Louis too.

Louis kisses further, deeper, he can tell Harry’s bothered. Louis moves his hand down Harry’s stomach and onto the front of his jeans, and he palms him. He’s a little too soft, for Louis’ likings, and whatever is on his mind is spreading.

Louis pulls his hand away and sits up to look at Harry.

“What’s wrong?” Harry looks up to Louis, and smiles. He knows it looks so forced, and Louis notices to and frowns.

“Nothing. Lets go to that party you were talking about. Shouldn’t be that late” and Harry sits up and pulls down his shirt, ignoring the purple bruises scattered all over his stomach, and neck.

“Um yeah, we can do that,” Harry hopes there’s enough alcohol to fill the seven seas and him.

+

He’s had seven shots of vodka and two beers, and the burns still there. The one from the alcohol and Louis. The room is spinning and every things fast. It’s like someone recorded it and put it in the vcr, just to fast forward it 10 times.

Louis’ somewhere, probably with the pretty blonde from the game earlier.

So, when Harry’s in the bathroom and there’s a guy bobbing in between his legs, he thinks of that and doesn’t feels so bad anymore.

He’s taken another pill and giggles because he pinky promised Louis he wouldn’t. It was never as hard as it was at this moment. Turn back time and Harry realizes being seven and naive was at it’s peak. Being fifteen and naive is just sad and full of pills and alcohol.

His knees shake and this guy between his legs takes Harry deeper. It feels like needles, it’s bliss and stars. Shiny and sharp. It would've been better if Louis didn’t walk in that same moment.

Farwell stars, goodbye needles.

“What the fuck Harry?” and god Harry wants to laugh and die. Louis’ tone is angry and deceiving. Harry pushes the guy off of him and tucks himself back in. The guys stands up and Harry pulls him by his collar and kisses him hard and filthy. He pulls back and smirks at him, and the random bloke leaves.

Once he’s gone, Louis shuts the bathroom door and glares at Harry.

“What?” Harry’s smiling threw sad eyes, he looks like a madman.

“You’re high, you promised” Louis looks at Harry with sad eyes and his body goes numb. He just wants to stop and save it for another time.

“Well you broke that when you decided to tongue fuck, blondes mouth,” everything is tense and the air conditioner is blowing regret. Somewhere, ink is drying on paper, and water is thicker at this moment right now. _thicker than blood_ , perhaps.

“I honestly have nothing to say right now” Louis speaks and he sounds tinier at this moment, then he ever has in his whole life.

“of course you fucking don’t” and Harry’s pushing Louis up against the bathroom door. His eyes are burning fire, and he looks so hurt. Louis can’t even look at him. A smile tugs on Harry’s lips, not the the good one. Not the smile he gives when he’s happy, and that’s rare these days. This smile is hateful, and pure mirth. And Louis thinks all the gods probably hate him, he took their brightest angel and turned him into something sad.

_God, Louis is a fucking idiot._

“You can’t even look at me” and he presses Louis even harder against the door, “You’re a fucking pussy, mate”. All Louis is capable of doing right now is listening and falling in and out, with the sound of Harry’s voice in this ear.

‘I'm sorry’ and it’s a whisper, but it takes so much out of Louis, that tears are falling out. It’s bubbling, it’s getting bigger, it will all fall out. It always does.

All Louis can think of, at this moment is when Harry would smile. He would smile at all the dumb shit Louis would do.

‘ _But darling, it was all for you. That fucking joke I made, you laughed. Seeing you smile, was better than getting high._

_I make you sad now, and I’m sorry. I’d rip all the petals of flowers off for you._

_I love you ‘_

The kisses Louis would put all over Harry’s body after they woke up from a long night of sex. Louis would kiss Harry till he was smiling so hard. Chanting. ‘lou, lou, come on, get off’ and Louis would play that on repeat. The sound of Harry’s voice echoing off walls, and Louis’ brain. That was then and this is now.

“I love you”, Louis snaps his head up and looks at Harry, red rimmed eyes and all.

“God! Harry, I love you so fucking much. Every time I breathe it hurts, because I know that I put you thru hell and every day I hate myself for it. That I’m a coward. But, the truth is I love you, and I’d do anything for you,” and there are tears in both of their eyes and Louis feels like he could collapse.

That this is like string theory. Louis and Harry are dividing particles, floating on a giant bubble in time. That there’s more than one universe that _“harryandlouis”_ are happening in. They’re two universes, who collided. _The Big bang._

“Don’t-, Don’t play with me Louis. You better mean that” and the words Harry threatened to say, are coming out strained. He grips the front of Louis’ shirt with his hands, and squeezes his eyes shut. Louis brings a finger to Harry’s chin and lifts it up. Harry’s eyes are still closed, afraid of everything.

“Please look at me” and Harry doesn't respond, so Louis brings Harry closer to him, and holds him tight, kissing the top of his head.

“Come on we should get you home,” after a long time of silence, Louis speaks. Harry lets Louis take his hand, he lets him guide him down the hallway and out the front door, to the car. Harry always follows Louis, it’s pure extinc. He lets Louis take him home and put him to bed.

“Lou?” Louis turns around for a brief second to look at Harry. His curls are everywhere, and Louis can see the bruises he put on Harry’s skin with his mouth. Harry’s soft, he’s a warm heart, and so understanding for his age. Harry’s aura that surrounds him, is glowing with love and forgiveness.

“Yes, love?” He walks over to Harry and sits on the edge of the bed. It dips with his weight.

“Stay with me tonight” So, Louis does, he peels off his shirt and trousers. Harry brings the blanket over them. He cuddles to Louis and kisses his chest. Louis runs his fingers thru Harry’s hair. It’s the only thing that’s relaxing both of them. They both know that they will have to talk about tonight eventually. There’s time, so it’s set on the burner, not forgotten. Louis won’t let it, he can’t. He has to stop thinking about himself, there’s Harry and he’s everything good in the world.

Louis falls asleep with thoughts in his mind and Harry on his chest.

+

Louis wakes up to the light and Harry shifting. He looks at Harry and he’s still sleeping, but his face is showing discomfort. Louis tries to move closer to Harry to kiss him to wake him up. But, something is poking into his stomach as he moves closer to Harry and yeah, _morning wood._

So, Louis smiles to himself, and sometimes he forgets Harry’s only fifteen. Hormones and all.

“Harry? H-Haz, baby wake up” Louis pokes at Harry’s side a little bit and kisses his cheek. Harry groans and whines at Louis, pulling the blankets above this head. Louis pulls the blankets over his head to and Harry’s eyes are barely open when gets underneath.

Louis moves forward and starts kissing at Harry’s shoulder. Planting one stinging kiss there, he starts to bite at it and runs his tongue over it. Harry tastes sweet, it’s no surprise.

Louis moves up to this neck, nibbling at the pulse, inhaling his scent, because that too is sweet. Louis might mistaken a whimper coming out of Harry’s mouth, but he’s not sure. So, he brings this right hand to Harry’s bare chest. Rubbing it soothingly, and he runs a finger up and down, tickling softly.

“Lou, don’t be a tease” and Harry’s voice is deep and groggy, a hint of humour in his tone. Louis smiles into Harry’s neck, and bites a little harder, and Harry is for sure moaning.

Louis brings this hand farther down, laying teasingly low on Harry’s middle. Fingers, skimming his waistband. Harry’s a little less patient and covers Louis’ hand with his, bringing it down to his crotch and palming. Harry moves his hand away, letting Louis palm him and kiss at his neck.

“Uh-” Harry’s moaning loud, and it rings in Louis’ ears. Louis knows that this doesn’t fix everything, and it probably won’t fix anything.

Louis sneaks his hand inside Harry’s briefs and grabs a hold of this cock.

“I-I, Lou, god. Yes! This doesn’t-t fix a whole lo-t. fuck. But, it’s-s fine for-” Harry cuts himself off with a loud moan, “It’s-s for now” and Louis cuddles close to Harry’s neck, moving his hand up and down on Harry’s cock. There’s sweat forming on Harry’s neck and Louis laps at it with this tongue, the saltiness splashing on his tongue.

‘ _You can move your hand in different ways, and maybe he won’t get it. He won’t get that, this is part of your shitty apology._

_But, that’s what’s so great about him, he’ll take anything you throw at him. Those kisses you threw on his cheek, he caught them with a smile and a giggle. That punch some asshole threw on your boys face, he caught that too, he caught it and returned it._

_Maybe it’s time you give him what he deserves. Give him all you got, and go catch some stars for him, put them in a bowl, he’ll love it, like he loves you. ‘_

“I love you so much” and Louis’ always meant those words, never has he ever said them and not meant them. There’s a lot of shit Louis’ done to Harry, but he’s never lied about that three lettered word. That word is a loaded gun, if you don’t use right, you will slowly kill them.

Louis tightens his grip on Harry’s cock. Tightens it harder than he ties his shoelaces; because, this is Harry.

When Harry edges closer, Louis lets go of his cock and pulls his briefs all the way down.

“Louis? What are you do-,” Louis takes Harry’s cock in his mouth, he licks the head. Tongue hot, and it shivers thru Harry’s cold body. Lighting all of Harry’s dark places, everything that has ever made him sad is gone, he’s all light now. He’s no longer a reflection of his past image.

When Harry comes, everythings washing away, it’s clear, like glass.

+

They talk, and talk. They both ask a ton of question from one another. Where they stand, and all of them were answered with satisfying remarks.

After all his time, things were actually good. It wasn’t easy, and Harry and Louis know that, it’ll take time, patience, and lots of support from each other.

+

“I love you. You know that right?” they're both at the park, lying on the merry go around. It spins and spins, the conversation floating above them like stars.

“I think I do. It might take time,” everything feels honest, it feels clean, it rained for two years straight and now they’re finally getting the rainbow they deserve.

Louis takes Harry’s hand and puts it over his heart, “I’ll love you forever, it’s cliche. I know that,but I don’t want to see you hurt again”. Harry smiles, and kisses Louis. He rests their foreheads together.

“Thank you, I love you too,” it’s carried away, every star glows, the sky brightens. Everything that is wrong, is right. Every impossible thing, is possible. It stops being possible, when someone lets it.

‘ _Carry him like a balloon. Put him in front, and give him your time. Give him all the love you have, but make sure to leave some left for yourself. Don’t be selfish. I can’t write you a book on how to do his._

_You’ll have to find out, but love him right. Take him places, imaginary places, he’ll want to go. ‘_

“Harry Styles I’m taking you to the moon” and Louis’ hopping up on two wobbly feet, grabbing Harry’s hands. Harry stands up and loses his footing, but before he can fall Louis catches him and pulls him towards his chest.

“I would let the eiffel tower fall before you did, and I will always be there to catch you,” he brings Harry’s hands to his lips and kisses it sweet. Looking up again, Louis leans to kiss Harry’s lips. His lips are cold, but despite the weather, there always soft. Harry feels like cashmere, or maybe even egyptian cotton, he’s the sun, the stars and the constellations in Louis’ heart.

“Well, Louis Tomlinson lets go to the moon,” Harry grabs Louis’ hand and runs, they run to the moon. Floating, imagining all the craters in the moon, and all the stars in the sky.

“What if the sun burns us?” and Louis won’t let it. They won’t burn, because they’re HarryandLouis.

“Well, I have you. So, I don’t think it really matters and I'm gonna get you those stars” and It’s true. So, they float like bubbles, up, up and away.

 

_The End._

 

**Author's Note:**

> (っ˘з(˘⌣˘ ) I hope you liked it.
> 
> ♥Kudos. Comments. Are always appreciated. Don't be afraid to give me criticism. I actually appreciate it, but don't be to harsh (I'm sensitive)♥ 
> 
> I'm on tumblr: sugarcubelou ღ
> 
> (I don't know how to link, so if anyone knows how, let me know)


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